For some people keeping the object of their affection in their life can become an obsessive, addictive need. This 'need' can become so deeply embedded in the recesses of our mind that it creates a false sense of 'need'. In other words, we actually believe we need the other person far more than we actually do. But, what makes us create this false sense of 'neediness'? Even if the relationship is an unhappy or abusive one, or based on toxic love and personal neediness rather than as a loving enrichment to our lives?

What makes some of us so desperate for this other person that we risk peace, serenity, and our own personal happiness for them? What makes us rather be in a bad, or toxic relationship, than happy alone, or in a secure, loving relationship? What is this neediness that drives us to sacrifice all the good things that might await us, for a life of clinging misery? Absence of Identity. In other words, we feel we just don't exist outside the realm of another person's perception, whether that person makes us miserable or not - even if miserable, at least we are existing - at least we feel we are this or that, instead of 'nothing'. With no identity how can we safely and securely venture into the unknown and go through the fearful uncertainty of change? How can we face our fears if we don't exist enough to face them?

When we feel we have no personal identity, when we feel we are nothing - unworthy - stupid - drab - without them, then how on Earth can we possibly feel we can exist without them?

Anytime we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience failure. We end up feeling victimized, both by ourself and by the other person. There is no 'happily ever after' if the goal is to find and attach to a mate at all cost. But - the truth be known - we are not incomplete without a partner! We were not born one half of a person, looking for another person to make us whole. True love is not a painful need, or obsession. It is not in taking hostage, or being held hostage. For when it becomes this it also becomes a situation where we accept unhappiness, abuse, and inner emptiness. A situation where we desperately hunger for the other partner even at the cost of manipulation, dishonesty, power struggles, self-respect, dignity, and sometimes even our lives.

Why do people feel that having a bad relationship is better than having no relationship? Why do people in poor relationships, when asked why they don't leave, say, "but I love him/her"? Because this is how we were brought up. To believe that the goal in life - the only goal - is to get a mate and live the fairy tale of happily ever-after. And - if we don't make a success of this fairy tale - surely we must be failures. For in the fairy tale the couple only wear a smile when they are riding off into the sunset together. Oh, argh! So we believe this is the goal, the image we must attain in order to be successful, happy, normal! We don't understand that true love can exist if we are patient and have a healthy attitude towards it. We desperately become attached - even addicted - to our mates, creating a false sense of 'urgency' and 'need'. This is false love.

In true love your priority is to develop yourself first. You give each other room to grow, and you support each other's goals. You have separate interests, different friends, and meaningful relationships with friends and family members outside of each other. You feel secure in your own value and worth without the other person's validation. You trust your partner and are committed to each other and to the relationship. You willingly and lovingly compromise and negotiate any issues that may arise. You accept totally the other person, just as they are, and you embrace their individuality. You do not take ownership of each other's issues, nor look toward your partner to fix your issues. You show support for your partner, yet you do not attempt to change, alter, or force your opinions onto them. You enjoy their company, yet also are content with being alone. True love relationships rarely end, but if they do you genuinely wish your partner well and happy. Although you want the relationship to last forever, you are healthy enough to understand that nothing last forever.

False love is an unhealthy attachment to another person. You crave their love as an important part of one of your own human survival needs. You become totally involved in the other person, neglecting your own life, social circle, and interests. You abandon all for the relationship. You lose you and become preoccupied with the other's behavior. You panic at the thought of losing them in your life. False love displays jealousy and possessiveness. Partners begin a power play for control, one or both pointing blame or displaying passive-aggressive manipulation of the other partner. You think, "if only I could get them to change this or that, or behave this way or that way - then I would be happy." You expect the other partner to fix your issues. If one partner has a bad day, the other partner does too. You exchange your own identity with your partner, reacting to your partner's problems and upsets as if they were your own. You subconsciously look for constant approval and signs of love. You may feel despair and hopelessness at the thought of losing your partner. You may cling to the other partner, much as a drowning man clings to a lifesaver. If the relationship were to end you would feel hopelessness, unworthiness, unloved, bitter, angry, resentful, vindictive, revengeful, panicky, and even suicidal.

taken with permission from the eBook 'How to Stop a Breakup and Win Your Ex Back' by Tigress Luv, the Breakup Guru

Read more about love addiction at: Dream Chasers: The CP Addiction (Falling in Love and Dealing with a Commitmentphobic Person). You can be reading this insightful information, written especially for those who are in love with a commitmentphobic person, in less than two minutes!

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